More Thoughts

ok, just have a few more ideas rolling around in the ole noggin.

1
so, yesterday i had the chance to help out my friend and some strangers. i did a volunteer shift for Hood to Coast. ( i am not gonna go into it, but if you don't know it then google it, amigo). yeah, it was like 2am to 6am on Friday, before my normal workday. and, yes i did drag most of the day.

but, it was a really good time. i mostly helped to facilitate parking lot efficiency. that is, getting people parked and exited in a timely manner and with NO accidents. it was very easy and really fun. i got to talk with some folks, saw some funny ass costumes, and surprisingly was thanked on several occasions by ALOT of the participants. to be honest, and probably to sound cheesy that was really worth it. also, looking back on it...that volunteer shift was the most fun, enjoyable, substantial part of my day. that notion really surprised me. not, sure what that is telling me but i know that i am gonna say, if you can look for a way to help or volunteer.

2
have you ever noticed how the word "BUT" is used? i don't think that i have ever heard something good come after it.
WAIT, HOLD THAT! I AM FULL OF SHIT ON THAT ONE. you hear it all the time, " your dad was in an accident BUT he is fine."
sorry, about that guess i was just focusing on negative news. well, at least i recognize it and now i can work to try and stay positive. yeah, guess i have been use the negative but. (so, would that be a tiny butt or a big butt....guess that depends on how you feel about jlo. that would be the litmus test)
what? did i just use the political term, litmus test in reference to asses? maybe, that isn't so bad. i am pretty sure that most folks think politicians and their pundits on tv are a bunch of asses. yeah, i said it.


i really don't have anything else. but, i do feel better.

t

CASH ONLY

i don't usually go to farmer's markets all that often. but, i found myself at one this morning and i was reminded of why i don't usually go (haha) but then i noticed something pretty amazing. it sorta threw me for a second and then put a big smile on my fiscally-conservative face. NO CREDIT CARDS. CASH ONLY transactions. holy shit. i mean it was like i was in vegas or nyc or hell back in college. see, i never had a credit card in college. hell, i didn't have a damn bank-atm card. i used to have to go to the bank, up to a tell, and give them my bank statement book. all transactions were there for the world or rather my parents to see. no hidden fees in those days. :)

why do i bring this up? well, it seems to me that we, the country are still obsessed with "easy or plastic money". the night before, i was out for something or another. a bill came, and then it was time to do the plastic dance. you know the one, put X on my card, and Y on that card, and this cash will go toward the grand total. holy f, i watched in a bourbon stupor, as one gal at the table decided to play enron with the bill to figure what goes on what card. i think that whole procession took like 30minutes or at least til i finished getting this little story formed in my head. does anyone even read this shit? :) well, i write it for me.

ok, so now we flash back to the farmer's market. it was nice to see ( at least i hope) people making purchases that they maybe had to take pause on before completing. maybe, they stopped and asked do i really need this? or, damn i bought this basket of peaches, now i can't buy a burrito. fyi, i usually buy the burrito then i am upset that i can buy something else. but, it really become very evident on how we need to fix our economy, or at least our own personal part of the solution. yes, you and me, each have a part that we play. and, it goes like this: DON'T BUY SHIT YOU REALLY DON'T NEED. UNDERSTAND THERE ARE REPERCUSSIONS TO EVERY FINANCIAL TRANSACTION YOU MAKE. WAKE THE HELL UP AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING. AND, THEN IF YOU DO FUCK UP WELL TAKE SOME DAMN ACCOUNTABILITY.

didn't mean to yell. so, that is a great little sermon, but talk without action is just hot air. so, i am going to start only doing cash transactions. i am going to carry cash to make my purchases; that would be lunch/dinner, my daily transit passes, and little purchases along the way. gonna try this and see how it goes. i know it will be painful, but i do believe that only thru pain do we truly make changes/improvements.

what are you gonna do?

Freedom isn't Easy

Wow. I am speechless at what I read online sometimes. I just don't get it at times. Sometimes, you read a news article and then you read the comments people post....that can be a scary look in the mirror for society. However, I am not so sure that anyone is really looking into the mirror at the reflection. OH, I think I am getting off point.

So, I am referring to the article about President Obama supporting the building of a mosque/community center near Ground Zero. He goes on to reference the Constitution and the ideas of religious freedom....oh, i don't know something this country was founded on. The article goes on to say that a clear majority of folks do not support this. I was one of them, before I read the article and allowed myself to look at the stance the President was taking. He is taking a unpopular stance but I actually think it is the correct stance.

That is not an easy stance to take. It becomes very evident when you read the responses to the article. Now, I am not saying that this decision to build this center, it is not just a mosque but other facilities for the community. Could the builders look to make some compromises, such as a multi-religion facility? I personally think that would go a long way, and help to show people that you are not jamming something into their "face".

But, back to may original point, it is hard to allow and support freedom. The whole idea revolves around allowing somebody the right to do something that may turn your stomach. It sucks, but you know it really is the only way. It is especially tough when you are in a minority position on an issue. It can be tough to stand up to "mainstream" thinking, but it has to be done.

Hell, look at our men and women in uniform. They are all making sacrifices for our freedoms. I guess, I would just like people to take a moment and try to think of the issue from the other side, the one with out the numbers, and see if you would make the same argument. Maybe, you would or not, but at least take a moment, because Freedom isn't Easy.

thx

Really?

I guess that is all that I can think of today. It is a question, or rather a response I have when I am not sure of what I heard. Sort of a more polite version of What the Fuck. Maybe, that is what I should have said, WHAT THE FUCK.

I just heard that a friend of mine just found out that he has cancer. What did he deserve to get that? I guess it just hit me, and seemed to pile on top of a bunch of other bad events. My dad was in an accident about 7 weeks ago, and probably should be in alot worse condition than he was. A friend of mine just got jerked around about somebody that she had strong feelings.

I know they are all varied levels of pain and hurt. It still doesn't take away from why does bad shit have to happen to good people. It gets me upset, that people that I care about have to hurt and there isn't much that I can do about. I guess they knowing that I am here is really all that I can do. But, I feel helpless. What a horrible feeling! This must me magnified for parents of child...ah, hell for any family member.

I know when I went through my painful times, it was a comfort to know that I could talk with somebody. I probably talked more than I was used to but it was good for me. I know that I should talk more about things that I feel.

So, I guess I will just put myself out there as an option for my friends/ family and allow them to reach out if they want to. I can't control other's actions ONLY mine. But, I can give them an option.


OK, I know that we as humans only grow from these painful events, but really do they have to be this bad at times. Whomever is in charge.....maybe dial it back a little on folks. Just a thought.

Not really ( there is that word again) where I was going or where I ended but it felt like I had to get some thoughts out.

thx.

Happy Fourth of July

I haven't posted in awhile, and frankly when I do it seems I am of a depressed state. Well, not today. It is a birthday! America's birthday. I know everyone will be caught up in the food, drinks, fireworks, picnics, sports, etc. And, that is great. I think we can all say that we deserve to have a little fun, enjoy ourselves, and gives this country a great party. I know that I am planning to have a great time with friends, and my family is a bit to far away.

But, I just want to make sure that we take the moment to remember we, as a country are, where we came from, and where we want to get to. There is more that binds us together than separates us. I truly believe that. Hey, we can probably use the Pareto Effect; 80% of the problems are caused by 20% of the issues. For us, I am convinced that we agree on 80% of the issues but are divided by 20% of issues. So, I guess just take a moment and try to see where the other side is coming from.

Also, take a moment to remember that we didn't get hear because of luck. It was through hard work and SACRIFICE. Yeah, I said that nasty S word. Take a moment to thanks folks for their sacrifice; teachers, firefighters, police officers, military, librarians, volunteers, little league coaches, youth activity leaders, and maybe even that local government worker.

Hey, just a thought. I know it was something that rolled around in my head this morning. So, thank them but do it for them and not for yourself. Just knowing that you did something for somebody else should be the perk, not telling folks what you did.

Have a great day. God Bless America. God Bless our Servicemen and Servicewomen. God Bless You.

-thomas

PS. I love America because you are allowed an opportunity to make whatever it is you want better.
What do you love?

Lost Again?

It seems like such a crazy quote huh? But, it definitely is capturing my state of mind the last few days. I guess the tighter you grab at something the more likely you can squeeze "it" through your grip. Always comes back to the balance of everything; good-bad, pain-joy, poor-wealth, smiles-frown, love-hate, and the lines goes on.

Well, I know it all starts with me and my mind. (Scary thought?) This is just a way to get my thoughts out of my mind. As, I am sure that nobody is getting anything out of this. If they do, I guess than that is just the frosting on the cake.

So, what is the problem? To para-phrase, I am 'barking at the moon'. I feel like I am letting myself slide back to activities, thoughts that don't help to propel me forward toward something more positive for myself but for others as well.
Doing good is to be done for the joy of it and not for some benefit that will be paid back. Don't look for the reward, just do the good task.

I am becoming comfortable again, with where I am. Not looking for those challenges that helped to push me through last year. It is funny to hear people say " you really got it together" but I know that inside I am this walking experiment of how to make it through my life looking for love, knowledge, purpose, ....

I woke up this morning and felt sick. But, I know that I could have worked through it but I choose to make my mind make me feel sicker than I was. What am I running from?
I feel stagnate between exploring new relationships that should build upon my last one and thinking about my last one. Going back isn't a real option but yet it continues to just hang in my mind. Moving on with a new relationship, and a healthy one, is really the direction that I have to take. Maybe, this will help to get my mind and heart in the same place. But, are those two ever in synch? :) I think alot would be explained if they were NOT in synch.

I need to push through this and make the choice that I know is right. I can not straddle this issue, as the fence is starting to ride up in my ass....and that hurts.

it does feel better to get that off my chest.

Funny Stuff while I was...

It has been a really long time since, I have put words to virtual paper. I have been writing in my own personal way with a journal, of sorts. It started as a gratitude journal and has morphed into more of a place to put thoughts. But, it is private, and while that is good, I guess sometimes you just want to be 'heard'.

Funny, how you can look at pictures and feelings/memories/smiles/tears/ laughter/joy/pain can wash over you. It could be any combination of what I mentioned, OR even more. All could happen at once too. Well, I had that happen to me. Now, I really wish that I could still share the memories of those pictures with someone very special to me. Unfortunately, I can't at this moment. OH, it is nothing serious like a coma or death; just two people moving in differnet directions. However, I am not completely sold on that idea. In my honest opinion, I think we are more closely aligned than before but how to convey that message?

Funny, what can be conveyed with a picture. When you look back at the "moment capture" of the event or time, you can really see the feelings or emotions of that moment. What is sad, is how sometimes we just don't realize what is happening when it does. Or, maybe we do but we choose to ignore OR maybe even worse, take it for granted. I really don't know. At least, I am aware that I don't know and I try to be more aware nowadays.

My goodness, how much I miss her. Looking at picures almost brought me to tears. I could feel the swelling in my eyes as I looked and remembered BOTH the good and the bad. It was important to know that there were both. Funny how time will sometimes just make the bad memories fade and only let the good ones keep their shiny-glossy image. I know now that it is about both, and it is how you navigate between those two courses.

Maybe this all started when I went to witness a 50th wedding anniversity. Actually, I know that is what did it. Amazing how much love these 2 partners had for each other at the present, and through the years. This was evident through the story of pictures and even the toasts by friends and family. As, I watched the picture slideshow that went through the years, with corresponding music of that era, I noticed all of the good times. This started me thinking of how lucky they were, but I had to stop and say "there were tough times" too. And, it wasn't luck, it was hard work. After, that moment of clarity, I realized that it was a celebration of their love and the family they started. It caused me to look inside to see the joy that I got from my loved ones, family, and friends. I felt BLESSED about the people who used to be in my life, currently in my life, and those yet to become a part of my life.

Now, I just need to continue to live my life to its fullest, and make the best positive impact that I can on those who will bless my life with their pressence.

thanks.

Another one bites the dust

That is what I keeping thinking today, with it being the end of the year and all. It is weird, but it doesn't feel like there is this "line" that delineates the start and stop of something. Doesn't life just continue to move onward, notice I don't say forward. Really, it just seems to keep moving and sometimes it moves you forward or backward or side to side.

Well, looking back at the year, I can say this has been the most challenging year of my life. But also maybe the most rewarding too. Decisions were made to start or stop various aspects of my life or maybe I should say characteristics of my being. Experiences ranged from jubliant to miserable, and everywhere in between. New friends were made, old friendships reinvigorated, and some friends lost. It really is all about the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Maybe that should be the name of the self-help book I could right....mmmm.

People are always telling you to focus on the positives. I feel that I have done that, but we still need to take stock of those negatives and figure out what to improve upon. However, I want to focus on my positives from this year.

-Expressing myself through speaking or written word. I joined Toastmasters which has been really a great learning environment. Also, I started this, blogging; and I most recently started to keep a "Gratitude Journal" which has morphed more into a regular journal of sorts. Just a place to collect my thoughts.

-Learning to listen to my body/ soul. This really relates to starting the practice of yoga. I really did feel quite alive when I did, unfortunately I have been remiss lately on continuing my practice. I will get back to it. Meditation has been good for me as well. Now, for me meditation has been more about reading and learning and applying little parts to my daily life. I feel that I am more inclined to understand another person's position in life, issues, or general being.

-Trying to help others with no expectation of reward. Volunteering has been a great experience for me. Networking with other folks in the job search has done wonders for my karma. I really do feel that we rather give out advice to others than take it ourselves. I noticed that alot of the last year from myself. I continue to try and take my own advice. I am analytical but it is tough when you throw in the emotional aspect of 'this is my life'. Networking has lead me to meet some great people that I would otherwise have passed by. I am grateful to all of them for various reasons; made me laugh, made me think, made me food...you know who you are.
My brother was/is going through some personal issues and seems rutterless. So, I decided to write to him to see if I could help. While, his response was not what I had hoped for, it was more important that I attempted to reach out. Sometimes that is all we can do.

-Witnessed my friend Tim and his fiance Danielle get married. It was just a wonderful time and event. Also, always good to see old friends. I came to realization that I need to reach out more to my old friends.

- All of the new friends that I meet this year. You have truly made my life more fulfilling with your compassion, insight, and knowledge. I truly am lucky to have meet you all. To old friends that I have reconnected with thru 'virtual networks', I thank you as well. I don't like to say 'misery loves company' but the idea that we all have issues to deal with and we can learn from others or lean on others is a very warm thought to keep in our minds.

So, with all of that rambling. I do wish everyone continued success in whatever you do; love, family,friends, and even work.

thx.

simple ingredients

you hear that all the time from the great cooks. keep it simple, use fresh ingredients, and let their flavor speak for the dish. i just re-learned that today. ok, maybe i was reminded by my aunt's thanksgiving dinner.

but today i re-learned that chapter. i was just going through the fridge and cooking up some produce before it went bad. i put a chop on some carrots and just softened them down in some butter and a little salt. fantastic. so simple and so good. i sometimes tend to get to fancy and add all sorts of 'wild' flavors to my food. this is the guy who on the next burner made shredded potato patties, where i included a little horseradish. they were good, but in a way not the simple flavor of the carrots.

so, what the hell am i trying to say? in a long and drawn out metaphor, just keep it simple. this works for all aspects of life. dealing with work... keep it simple. dealing with family...keep it simple. dealing with the opposite sex...keep it simple BUT we know that is always easier said than done. actually, i think we confuse simplicity with how uncomfortable the situation may make us feel. but, if you trust the ingredients and your technique it will work out... in the long run. isn't funny how it is always the long run?

later.

Nothing...

...i just don't have anything. but, i feel like i do need to get something out. not quite i know what it is. well, that may not be exactly true. i likely do know what it is but feel ... uncomfortable, shy, embarrassed, or some combination of those.

well, i can always write it down and never publish it. yeah, or i could just put it out there and know that i am more that some silly feelings of insecurity. ( i have to admit, sometimes just the act of typing these words helps to process the thoughts)

so, what is the big deal? ok. so, i sent a note to a somebody who i was very close with. it was an innocent enough correspondence. it was over 3 weeks ago and no response. and, that is what really has my proverbial panties in a bunch. i can live with the fact that i won't ever be close with this person again. i am just having a difficult time dealing with this what? lack of respect? yeah, maybe that is it. and, then of course, that starts a waterfall. did i ever mean anything to this person? and then it just snowballs.

now, i know or at least have been learning that i can only control ME and my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. but, that still doesn't make it easy to swallow. the mind is a terrible thing when left to its own devices. never mind idle hands. they take their orders from the idle mind.

and, i know somebody is going to read this and maybe put some dots together and draw a conclusion. but, let me say it. i am not in love with her anymore. i will always have a place in heart for her, and i will always have love for her. but, i am not in love with her. actually, i miss her more in the realm that she was an extremely close friend. she knew me really well. i let her in and it felt wonderful. i felt like i grew from my time with her.

but that time is the past. i am SO glad that it is in the past. i have grown and no longer want to be in the place where i was. i am better than how i was.

so, what was the point of all this? maybe, it was just time that i got this off my chest and out in the open. and, i have to remind myself that i can only control my actions not somebody else's. those are under their control, and hey maybe there is a reason for not responding (or whatever). i just need to realize that if i am truly their friend that i will understand and accept the situation. but, that still doesn't make it any less painful.

that is life. so, i just need to remember ' LIFE SUCKS. GET A HELMET' . and, that quote i have to thank mr. denis leary.

not sure it helped you. but it did help me. later.