Nothing...

...i just don't have anything. but, i feel like i do need to get something out. not quite i know what it is. well, that may not be exactly true. i likely do know what it is but feel ... uncomfortable, shy, embarrassed, or some combination of those.

well, i can always write it down and never publish it. yeah, or i could just put it out there and know that i am more that some silly feelings of insecurity. ( i have to admit, sometimes just the act of typing these words helps to process the thoughts)

so, what is the big deal? ok. so, i sent a note to a somebody who i was very close with. it was an innocent enough correspondence. it was over 3 weeks ago and no response. and, that is what really has my proverbial panties in a bunch. i can live with the fact that i won't ever be close with this person again. i am just having a difficult time dealing with this what? lack of respect? yeah, maybe that is it. and, then of course, that starts a waterfall. did i ever mean anything to this person? and then it just snowballs.

now, i know or at least have been learning that i can only control ME and my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. but, that still doesn't make it easy to swallow. the mind is a terrible thing when left to its own devices. never mind idle hands. they take their orders from the idle mind.

and, i know somebody is going to read this and maybe put some dots together and draw a conclusion. but, let me say it. i am not in love with her anymore. i will always have a place in heart for her, and i will always have love for her. but, i am not in love with her. actually, i miss her more in the realm that she was an extremely close friend. she knew me really well. i let her in and it felt wonderful. i felt like i grew from my time with her.

but that time is the past. i am SO glad that it is in the past. i have grown and no longer want to be in the place where i was. i am better than how i was.

so, what was the point of all this? maybe, it was just time that i got this off my chest and out in the open. and, i have to remind myself that i can only control my actions not somebody else's. those are under their control, and hey maybe there is a reason for not responding (or whatever). i just need to realize that if i am truly their friend that i will understand and accept the situation. but, that still doesn't make it any less painful.

that is life. so, i just need to remember ' LIFE SUCKS. GET A HELMET' . and, that quote i have to thank mr. denis leary.

not sure it helped you. but it did help me. later.

Thanksgiving

ok, so maybe this is a little late but then again, you don't have to read this either. haha. this feels like an entry that i would make in my gratitude journal, and as the holidays would have it... i let it slide. :)

it just seemed like i had something to say, and i really became aware of what i was truly thankful for. maybe, it is like saying grace after the meal. hell, if i know. so, what am i thankful for?

i am grateful for my family and friends. and, those are not always the same thing. it really is like the say, "you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family". what is really important is, do these people make you better, lift you up, fill a void all the while not asking anything from you. are these the people that you would do the same for? i was allowed a wonderful opportunity to have thanksgiving with my aunt & uncle in burlingame, ca ( san fran for all you AAA map challenged). the food was fantastic. let me say that again, the food was fantastic.

side note, my aunt was a chef in her younger days and still is a bad-ass in the kitchen. she worked her way up the ranks, and had very official training. i would take her food any day over anything made from the food network chefs. the food was just basic home style cuisine and was perfect. simple but so much better than all that eccentric fused food.

ok, sorry. just a little tangent. back to my gratitude list. yes, i was with family but i should note that i haven't spent a lot of time with my aunt & uncle. actually, it seems like we see each other more along friends than family. but, i did realize how much i missed my parents, and just how important i am in their lives. sometimes, i fail to realize how important i am to them, how we all need to stop and sometimes look at things from the other perspective. ( that concept is applicable to several fields; industry, government, etc)

now, this did cause sadness but also joy. and, it allowed for a wonderful conversation the next day as we each told our stories of thanksgiving.

friends. the dinner party my aunt threw was primarily attended by her friends, but they seemed as much as family as anything from a 1950's 'leave it to beaver' episode. ( did that work?) now, it helped that most folks knew each other, but newbies were welcomed to the fold. i really enjoyed the opportunity to sit back and just bask in the wonderful conversations, humor, and overall joy. i added when i felt i could, usually in an appropriate vein. now, would be an excellent time to say, that there were times when the topics were just fantastic and probably not to the chagrin of the moral police.... ah, those folks are full of shit anyways. hey my blog, my opinion. it is important for all of us to find those people in our own lives that we would want to spend hours with at a table with wine and great food AND even great conversations. whoever those people are in your life, NEVER let them go. AND, always look to add to that group.

one last thing on family. actually, it is more that just family, it is about the folks in our society who can't provide for themselves for whatever reason. they are people and need to be treated with the dignity and respect that we would want shown to us. or, you would want shown to your 89 yr old grandmother. yeah, mine is in a 'retirement community', and it saddens me at times BUT i do know that it is for her best. it was great to see and spend a little time with her, and i just love how strong her mind still is.... sometimes the body just doesn't keep up. and, of course it can go the other way. spending the time with her i realized that i should spent more time or done more with her. i guess we all go through that, i think that is like chapter 18 in the book of life or something. so, all i can say is that i will try to do more with my family and friends. and, maybe this will give you a lil kick in the pants to do the same. ( that implies that this does get read)

oh, and another thing that was great was getting those unexpected 'happy thanksgiving' texts from somebody you didn't expect from. now, the kicker is getting one that isn't the vanilla, generic one. it really does mean a lot to get acknowledgment from others that you are an important person in their life. on the flip side, it can be just as painful when you don't get something from a special person in your life. but, don't get upset. if they are important to you, you need to ask yourself 'why didn't i get a hold of them'. ALWAYS start the finger-pointing or the blame with yourself... you will usually be right. ( unless dealing with broken items in combination with little children).

wow. i am always surprised how these turn out. it almost feels like i do a stream of conscious thought and hopefully my typing picks up the majority of the words.

later.