observations and the rants they become.

i don't know about you but that is how it starts with me.  i see something and then the machine starts turning some mental gears and a rant is being developed.  nothing wrong with that, right?   it is a normal reaction to observing something.  you say, "that is strange"  or  maybe you are like me at sometimes and say, "what the fuck is that asshole thinking?"

personally, i can go in either direction.  and, often the direction is my mood.  funny, huh?   that damn mental state always poking around with their 2 cents.   (i can never find the damn cent symbol, you know the c with a vertical line through it)   fuck you, i know i was digressing.  :)

damn it.  i seriously forgot where i was planning to take this thread.  i am sure the world can hold their breath until i figure it out.   

(pause) 

( several longer drawn out pauses.  maybe, a trip for a beverage)

it did occur to me.  wait.  a more accurate phrasing would be, it reoccured to me that small and gestures really do seem to carry more weight.  often they are unexpected and that is probably why that have such a powerful impact.   i had 2 yesterday.   

the first was being surprised with the delivery of a birthday at my place of work.  my parents decided that would send a cake because they were going to be able to share one with me.   also, i think it was really the first time in a very long time that i had been home for a birthday with my parents.   maybe, it was a way for them to recapture a moment when we were all younger.   it really did move me.   now, i was surprised as anyone when my boss said i had a delivery at the front desk.   i should say that i am not a very big birthday guy, i tend to be very somber and reserved on the days.  well, co-workers asked questions and after lunch we cut cake and they hummed 'happy birthday'.  again, this simple gesture on their part was appreciated.  granted, i feel it was more out of good manners but it still did resonate with me.  i did appreciate.   i hope they saw that i appreciated the effort.

the second seems to be even simpler but carries more impact to me.  it was a simple email response.  granted it was from a very special person who was in my life for a period of time.   i had written her a short email earlier in the day, actually after cake.   it was  a pretty basic email;  "how are you, i am well, miss you".   in the past, i have sent emails and no response.  that is fine, funny how often emails go unanswered nowadays.   it was just something i wanted to do.    i remember the response (i should because this only happened yesterday), it was 2nd intermission at the sabres (fucking lost) and i was checking my phone.   i saw that i had a response.  i was nervous that i didn't answer right away, i just kinda stared for a few minutes.   well, i finally read the short email and it was a simple reply.  however, this simple act really gave me a reason to smile, even though the sabres were losing.   but, it just seemed to 

point out the importance of simple gestures.  

often, i think we tend to over think something.  we fail to remember the KISS motto; keep it simple, stupid.   simple is better.  less is more.   i feel that was the best re-gift that i could have gotten on my birthday.   :)

so, maybe not a rant by a drunken & angry standard.  :)  

but, still a worthy train of my thoughts.

-tffjr

crazy dreams

dreams are some crazy shit.  i have never put much stock in them, in terms of some future indication of things to happen.  and, usually we have some many dreams that the ones we recollect are just a tiny a fraction.   that alone might be something to indicate something, if i finally remember the dream then it had to be something pretty wild to make the brain sit up and notice.

well, here it goes, or at least what i remember:

i was somehow coaching a high school girl's basketball team in some sort of tournament.  the game was taking place as a "road" game, and similar to that hostile school hackman's team played at in 'hoosiers'.   anyways, we are at half-time and i am giving the team some half-time speech.   i make it pretty clear that i have no damn idea about x's and o's of basketball and will leave that to the assistant coach.  i am focusing on getting this team so emotionally fired up that they will run through walls, piss fire, whatever to win this game for each other.   i make it clear to them, this is not about me but rather for themselves.   and, then some fiery shit about taking this opportunity and shoving it down the other teams throat or up their ass.  i am not sure which.  either way, the message seems to be delivered to the team, as the whole time they are transfixed on my speech.   it was pretty cool.

however, the weird part was that i was giving this speech while the whole team was sitting in a big ass hot tub.   i know, what the fuck is that about.   and, then after the speech, and the team runs out for the second half, i am walking back to the court, and i noticed that my phone was in my suit pocket, wait for it, while i was in the hot-tub.   and, then i can not get the idea of how stupid i was to sit in a hot tub with my phone in my suit pocket.   notice, i don't seem to think it odd that i am sitting in a suit in a hot tub giving a speech to a women's basketball team.

see, there is some wacked out shit there.  i have no idea where to start or if even to start.  well, at least writing it down makes me laugh while i am typing.

key take away?

somebody needs to make a waterproof cellphone, and i am not talking about some case you put your phone it.  i mean i go to the cellphone booth in the mall and pick up a phone that i can sit in a hot tub with and it will still work so i can call my shrink about a crazy ass dream i just had.


whatever that was worth.  :)

-tffjr

waiting...

hurry up and wait.  seems like i am doing that alot.  airports are the ultimate example of that.  now, i am waiting for my flt back home. 

waiting makes me think about the good, the mistakes, the growth, the pain (both mine &  others), the future, the past, and  most importantly the present.

self-reflection, if more did it would be ALL truly be better as a world.   i don't know.  if you are truly aware of yourself and how you impact others, would that that make your decisions ...

i truly am rambling.  it isn't so easy to compose something on my phone's keyboard.

i am feeling stressed, so i am gonna get some greasy egg mcmuffins. 

-tffjr

Same Shoe, Different Foot

i guess this is a take off of the phrase; "same shit, different day".   i have been thinking about the story of the American soldier who reportedly shot and killed 16 civilians.   this is a soldier that is fighting in afghanistan and i have to admit the details of the story are pretty minimal at this point.  now, i never think it is right when a civilian is killed, especially by a soldier but i am curious if these civilians are truly without blame.   how many times do we hear stories from the media about civilians helping the terrorists? did everyone forget all of the soldiers that were killed by their afghan "peers"?  i am sure this soldier had reached a "breaking" point.  a person can only be pushed for so far until they push back.  

again, i am not saying what this soldier reportedly did was right.  but, i am saying that maybe i can understand how he got to this place.   and, to be honest i don't have the desire to stomach through the political nonsense and spinning done by the media shows.

one thing that did jump out to me was how the President said, whoever did this would be help responsible.  I completely agree with that.  all actions carry consequences and people need to be help responsible.   however, i heard absolutely nothing similar when American soldiers were being brutally murdered by afghan "peers".   i understand that the afghan people were distraught about copies of their holy book being burned.  but, not once did i hear a single afghan leader say those who did these horrible acts would be held responsible.   i guess our countries and our leaders just have different feet.   notice, i don't say their culture because i truly feel that people of the Islam faith are just as good or bad as people of the Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist or any other faith.   

maybe, that is the problem with the situation there?   we just can't get past our different feet.  everyone knows what a foul mood you can be in when your feet hurt.  foot problems truly can suck.   how do we fix our foot problems in the world?  but, maybe even more important is to ask ourselves is my foot problem due to something else?    

something to think about.

-tffjr

rambling on... about arrogance

i am not sure if i have nightmares anymore.  maybe, it is a matter of semantics.  imagine that.  :)
ok, so when i refer to nightmares,  it is those dreams that you have when you see a scary movie.   right?
we all remember those warnings from our parents, and we all know that we have had them.   so, when i say nightmares that is what i refer to.   i can honestly say that i don't have those anymore...nobody is chasing me down, no monster eating me, or typical scary movie shit.

i will say that my mind will sometimes get into a gear that is just not conducive to getting quality sleep.  my mind starts to play out scenarios where i just fail to be a good person or just plain fail at something.  i make those bad decisions that only set me back in my growth.  typically, i am doing the dumb-shit of my youth or when i was more selfish.  or, it feels like my brain is playing out worse-case scenarios for me. 

now, i should be asking how did i get myself to this place.  or, do i just need to acknowledge it and move past these negative thoughts?   i can't get my mind clear, and it is really driving me nuts.   it is stress.  and, there we go.  the root of pretty much everything... stress.   why?

i am worried that i didn't pass my certification test.  plan and simple.  i was not comfortable,  i felt flustered, i felt rushed, i was not at peace.   most likely due to my arrogance regarding my preparation for the test.   however, the arrogance is a bigger issue.  i know when i start to get like this then something happens to be level me out.   the last time, i had this happened ..well, i wrecked my truck and broke my nose.  not this time.  that is a big improvement.  :)    no booze will make it easier to not do dumb shit.

so, if i were to set back then maybe i am truly improving myself.   i noticed the problem before anything truly bad happened.  i took some time to think it through and the act of writing it down helps my process.
maybe, i still need to run off some of this energy as i won't really be able to concentrate with work.

yeah, sounds like a better plan that grabbing 2 extra slices.  :)   next, i will work to kick the stress-eating but i did enjoy that mighty pack last night.  :)

just my thoughts.  this was more for me than you.  but, feel free to "learn" from it.

-tffjr

giving back

Sitting around, thinking how to help, wondering what do i bring to the table, what can i share.   Just a few ideas that lead to my decision to join a race event for charity.

What about you?