13.5

i write this with a state of mind that is not at its best.   (join the club, right?)
i feel so selfish for having this "sorry for myself" attitude, especially when i think about what some other people are going through.   they have real struggles dealing with things that really make my little issues seem very small.

does this make me a shallow person for feeling this way?

does this make me selfish?

normally, when i get this mood cloud enveloping me, i will strike out in ways that serve me no positive purpose.  i am looking to dampen the pain or discomfort with something else.   usually, it comes in the form of eating.  i love to stress eat and not being in buffalo definitely helps here because i am not getting mighty, hoagie, pizza pie, or even slimers.  that has been the normal stress response.  

sometimes, i will just go text crazy, looking for some feedback from somebody to try to make me feel "less sorry for myself".   i wish i could just communicate with folks in a manner that was more personal.   i never express where my pain comes from and how it truly makes me feel.   (maybe this is a step forward) .    actually, i wish i could ask others to give their help to me like i would offer to them.   (does that make sense?)   i will gladly offer my help to my friends but have such a difficult time expressing my need for help at times.   why can't i improve upon this?

... so here i write, in an attempt to utilize this energy in a positive manner.    ok, maybe actually talking to a person would be more of a benefit.   i guess i am truly still holding back on my feelings.   i know this is an area that i strive to improve upon.

what do i want?

i want to be in a relationship.   i want to be a part of something that is more than 2 individuals.  i crave the mental, physical, and spiritual touch of a partner.  i look ( or i think i do) and i can't seem to make inroads.   something i am doing isn't right in my process.  

i wonder how people see me.  is it the same as i see myself?
should i ask the question?
will the answers surprise me?
if so, will that cause me to try something new?

nite.

-tffjr

13.4

read something today that i think is important to keep in mind.  it goes something like this:

YOUR BODY, MIND, & MOUTH should all be in sych with each other.  Speak what you truly feel and think. Actions match your words.  All three are sides to a triangle or components of another "3 lock box"

something to be aware of, as change only happens when you know what the issue is.

-tffjr

13.3

Are the things that truly upset me in other people just reflections of my own issues?

Does "hitting close to home" heighten my own sensitivity to the issue?

I think YES.  so now i must work to resolve my own issues and help others too.

13.2

(it should be pretty easy to figure out the titles after awhile)

watching the first half of the BCS game between 'Bama & the Domers is really making me wonder about expectations and reality.  the sports guys will always talk about the "cinderella" or the "david v. golalith" stories when a team is playing beyond their known abilities.

this idea got me thinking about our "known" abilities.  i think we all have a known quantity and level of  ability.   and, i think in my own example i probably have played to or just below my ability on most occasions.   and, that is NOT a good thing.   why is that?  why not play to a higher standard?  why not make the exception to play below my ability on that very rare instance?

my biggest example has been in how i deal with my relationships.   yeah, back to 13.1  :)
but, i can say that is has occurred alot in terms of when i have been at a new employment opportunity.   the root cause in my opinion is due to not staying in the present.  it is about wanting to be somewhere else, more exotic, more exciting, and a bunch of other non-boring descriptions.

this idea dovetails with an article i read about strengthening the brain.   deepok chodura was the author i believe.   boiled down, the idea is that you have to exercise the brain with creative tasks, such as poetry, reading, writing, something outside your normal, drab, numb activities.   he says the key is to make to break out of a normal, standard routine.   just like your body muscles, they will get used to something and then gains become minimized.   he also specifically mentioned allowing yourself to love and be loved.  that idea really seemed to connect to me.   funny, how you can see connections, especially when you have tuned yourself or maybe in my case turned on the tuner.  :)

so, where am i going with this?

i think the idea of pushing yourself, especially pushing/growing your mind is what helps us to play above our "normal" level.   funny, how stuff seems to connect at times.

so, what does this mean for me?

i have to continue to strive to become less private about my feelings for people in my life.  i have to allow myself to be hurt again because the upside is so much greater than the downside.

-tffjr

Lucky '13.1

i have really lost my desire to make my "words" heard via the internet.  :)
have i lost my message?   no.  i just feel that maybe it is more important for me to hear my own words and not focus so much on whether others hear the words.    that seem silly?

but, i do feel there is something that i gain with posting my thought to the internet.   it is an exercise to help me become less private about my life.  that is a definite area that i need to work on.   as i become less private and more comfortable sharing my ideas with the internet, i feel this can translate to how i deal with my feeling with people in real/person-person relationships.   and, i definitely feel that my goal for this year is to work on becoming more willing to share myself with others.

so, we shall see how this goes.  because, i do feel that my private nature has been something that has limited my ability to develop those life-altering relationships or maybe you call them love.  :)

so, here is to my lucky '13.

-tffjr