13.5

i write this with a state of mind that is not at its best.   (join the club, right?)
i feel so selfish for having this "sorry for myself" attitude, especially when i think about what some other people are going through.   they have real struggles dealing with things that really make my little issues seem very small.

does this make me a shallow person for feeling this way?

does this make me selfish?

normally, when i get this mood cloud enveloping me, i will strike out in ways that serve me no positive purpose.  i am looking to dampen the pain or discomfort with something else.   usually, it comes in the form of eating.  i love to stress eat and not being in buffalo definitely helps here because i am not getting mighty, hoagie, pizza pie, or even slimers.  that has been the normal stress response.  

sometimes, i will just go text crazy, looking for some feedback from somebody to try to make me feel "less sorry for myself".   i wish i could just communicate with folks in a manner that was more personal.   i never express where my pain comes from and how it truly makes me feel.   (maybe this is a step forward) .    actually, i wish i could ask others to give their help to me like i would offer to them.   (does that make sense?)   i will gladly offer my help to my friends but have such a difficult time expressing my need for help at times.   why can't i improve upon this?

... so here i write, in an attempt to utilize this energy in a positive manner.    ok, maybe actually talking to a person would be more of a benefit.   i guess i am truly still holding back on my feelings.   i know this is an area that i strive to improve upon.

what do i want?

i want to be in a relationship.   i want to be a part of something that is more than 2 individuals.  i crave the mental, physical, and spiritual touch of a partner.  i look ( or i think i do) and i can't seem to make inroads.   something i am doing isn't right in my process.  

i wonder how people see me.  is it the same as i see myself?
should i ask the question?
will the answers surprise me?
if so, will that cause me to try something new?

nite.

-tffjr