Nothing...

...i just don't have anything. but, i feel like i do need to get something out. not quite i know what it is. well, that may not be exactly true. i likely do know what it is but feel ... uncomfortable, shy, embarrassed, or some combination of those.

well, i can always write it down and never publish it. yeah, or i could just put it out there and know that i am more that some silly feelings of insecurity. ( i have to admit, sometimes just the act of typing these words helps to process the thoughts)

so, what is the big deal? ok. so, i sent a note to a somebody who i was very close with. it was an innocent enough correspondence. it was over 3 weeks ago and no response. and, that is what really has my proverbial panties in a bunch. i can live with the fact that i won't ever be close with this person again. i am just having a difficult time dealing with this what? lack of respect? yeah, maybe that is it. and, then of course, that starts a waterfall. did i ever mean anything to this person? and then it just snowballs.

now, i know or at least have been learning that i can only control ME and my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. but, that still doesn't make it easy to swallow. the mind is a terrible thing when left to its own devices. never mind idle hands. they take their orders from the idle mind.

and, i know somebody is going to read this and maybe put some dots together and draw a conclusion. but, let me say it. i am not in love with her anymore. i will always have a place in heart for her, and i will always have love for her. but, i am not in love with her. actually, i miss her more in the realm that she was an extremely close friend. she knew me really well. i let her in and it felt wonderful. i felt like i grew from my time with her.

but that time is the past. i am SO glad that it is in the past. i have grown and no longer want to be in the place where i was. i am better than how i was.

so, what was the point of all this? maybe, it was just time that i got this off my chest and out in the open. and, i have to remind myself that i can only control my actions not somebody else's. those are under their control, and hey maybe there is a reason for not responding (or whatever). i just need to realize that if i am truly their friend that i will understand and accept the situation. but, that still doesn't make it any less painful.

that is life. so, i just need to remember ' LIFE SUCKS. GET A HELMET' . and, that quote i have to thank mr. denis leary.

not sure it helped you. but it did help me. later.