Happy Fourth of July

I haven't posted in awhile, and frankly when I do it seems I am of a depressed state. Well, not today. It is a birthday! America's birthday. I know everyone will be caught up in the food, drinks, fireworks, picnics, sports, etc. And, that is great. I think we can all say that we deserve to have a little fun, enjoy ourselves, and gives this country a great party. I know that I am planning to have a great time with friends, and my family is a bit to far away.

But, I just want to make sure that we take the moment to remember we, as a country are, where we came from, and where we want to get to. There is more that binds us together than separates us. I truly believe that. Hey, we can probably use the Pareto Effect; 80% of the problems are caused by 20% of the issues. For us, I am convinced that we agree on 80% of the issues but are divided by 20% of issues. So, I guess just take a moment and try to see where the other side is coming from.

Also, take a moment to remember that we didn't get hear because of luck. It was through hard work and SACRIFICE. Yeah, I said that nasty S word. Take a moment to thanks folks for their sacrifice; teachers, firefighters, police officers, military, librarians, volunteers, little league coaches, youth activity leaders, and maybe even that local government worker.

Hey, just a thought. I know it was something that rolled around in my head this morning. So, thank them but do it for them and not for yourself. Just knowing that you did something for somebody else should be the perk, not telling folks what you did.

Have a great day. God Bless America. God Bless our Servicemen and Servicewomen. God Bless You.

-thomas

PS. I love America because you are allowed an opportunity to make whatever it is you want better.
What do you love?

Lost Again?

It seems like such a crazy quote huh? But, it definitely is capturing my state of mind the last few days. I guess the tighter you grab at something the more likely you can squeeze "it" through your grip. Always comes back to the balance of everything; good-bad, pain-joy, poor-wealth, smiles-frown, love-hate, and the lines goes on.

Well, I know it all starts with me and my mind. (Scary thought?) This is just a way to get my thoughts out of my mind. As, I am sure that nobody is getting anything out of this. If they do, I guess than that is just the frosting on the cake.

So, what is the problem? To para-phrase, I am 'barking at the moon'. I feel like I am letting myself slide back to activities, thoughts that don't help to propel me forward toward something more positive for myself but for others as well.
Doing good is to be done for the joy of it and not for some benefit that will be paid back. Don't look for the reward, just do the good task.

I am becoming comfortable again, with where I am. Not looking for those challenges that helped to push me through last year. It is funny to hear people say " you really got it together" but I know that inside I am this walking experiment of how to make it through my life looking for love, knowledge, purpose, ....

I woke up this morning and felt sick. But, I know that I could have worked through it but I choose to make my mind make me feel sicker than I was. What am I running from?
I feel stagnate between exploring new relationships that should build upon my last one and thinking about my last one. Going back isn't a real option but yet it continues to just hang in my mind. Moving on with a new relationship, and a healthy one, is really the direction that I have to take. Maybe, this will help to get my mind and heart in the same place. But, are those two ever in synch? :) I think alot would be explained if they were NOT in synch.

I need to push through this and make the choice that I know is right. I can not straddle this issue, as the fence is starting to ride up in my ass....and that hurts.

it does feel better to get that off my chest.

Funny Stuff while I was...

It has been a really long time since, I have put words to virtual paper. I have been writing in my own personal way with a journal, of sorts. It started as a gratitude journal and has morphed into more of a place to put thoughts. But, it is private, and while that is good, I guess sometimes you just want to be 'heard'.

Funny, how you can look at pictures and feelings/memories/smiles/tears/ laughter/joy/pain can wash over you. It could be any combination of what I mentioned, OR even more. All could happen at once too. Well, I had that happen to me. Now, I really wish that I could still share the memories of those pictures with someone very special to me. Unfortunately, I can't at this moment. OH, it is nothing serious like a coma or death; just two people moving in differnet directions. However, I am not completely sold on that idea. In my honest opinion, I think we are more closely aligned than before but how to convey that message?

Funny, what can be conveyed with a picture. When you look back at the "moment capture" of the event or time, you can really see the feelings or emotions of that moment. What is sad, is how sometimes we just don't realize what is happening when it does. Or, maybe we do but we choose to ignore OR maybe even worse, take it for granted. I really don't know. At least, I am aware that I don't know and I try to be more aware nowadays.

My goodness, how much I miss her. Looking at picures almost brought me to tears. I could feel the swelling in my eyes as I looked and remembered BOTH the good and the bad. It was important to know that there were both. Funny how time will sometimes just make the bad memories fade and only let the good ones keep their shiny-glossy image. I know now that it is about both, and it is how you navigate between those two courses.

Maybe this all started when I went to witness a 50th wedding anniversity. Actually, I know that is what did it. Amazing how much love these 2 partners had for each other at the present, and through the years. This was evident through the story of pictures and even the toasts by friends and family. As, I watched the picture slideshow that went through the years, with corresponding music of that era, I noticed all of the good times. This started me thinking of how lucky they were, but I had to stop and say "there were tough times" too. And, it wasn't luck, it was hard work. After, that moment of clarity, I realized that it was a celebration of their love and the family they started. It caused me to look inside to see the joy that I got from my loved ones, family, and friends. I felt BLESSED about the people who used to be in my life, currently in my life, and those yet to become a part of my life.

Now, I just need to continue to live my life to its fullest, and make the best positive impact that I can on those who will bless my life with their pressence.

thanks.

Another one bites the dust

That is what I keeping thinking today, with it being the end of the year and all. It is weird, but it doesn't feel like there is this "line" that delineates the start and stop of something. Doesn't life just continue to move onward, notice I don't say forward. Really, it just seems to keep moving and sometimes it moves you forward or backward or side to side.

Well, looking back at the year, I can say this has been the most challenging year of my life. But also maybe the most rewarding too. Decisions were made to start or stop various aspects of my life or maybe I should say characteristics of my being. Experiences ranged from jubliant to miserable, and everywhere in between. New friends were made, old friendships reinvigorated, and some friends lost. It really is all about the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Maybe that should be the name of the self-help book I could right....mmmm.

People are always telling you to focus on the positives. I feel that I have done that, but we still need to take stock of those negatives and figure out what to improve upon. However, I want to focus on my positives from this year.

-Expressing myself through speaking or written word. I joined Toastmasters which has been really a great learning environment. Also, I started this, blogging; and I most recently started to keep a "Gratitude Journal" which has morphed more into a regular journal of sorts. Just a place to collect my thoughts.

-Learning to listen to my body/ soul. This really relates to starting the practice of yoga. I really did feel quite alive when I did, unfortunately I have been remiss lately on continuing my practice. I will get back to it. Meditation has been good for me as well. Now, for me meditation has been more about reading and learning and applying little parts to my daily life. I feel that I am more inclined to understand another person's position in life, issues, or general being.

-Trying to help others with no expectation of reward. Volunteering has been a great experience for me. Networking with other folks in the job search has done wonders for my karma. I really do feel that we rather give out advice to others than take it ourselves. I noticed that alot of the last year from myself. I continue to try and take my own advice. I am analytical but it is tough when you throw in the emotional aspect of 'this is my life'. Networking has lead me to meet some great people that I would otherwise have passed by. I am grateful to all of them for various reasons; made me laugh, made me think, made me food...you know who you are.
My brother was/is going through some personal issues and seems rutterless. So, I decided to write to him to see if I could help. While, his response was not what I had hoped for, it was more important that I attempted to reach out. Sometimes that is all we can do.

-Witnessed my friend Tim and his fiance Danielle get married. It was just a wonderful time and event. Also, always good to see old friends. I came to realization that I need to reach out more to my old friends.

- All of the new friends that I meet this year. You have truly made my life more fulfilling with your compassion, insight, and knowledge. I truly am lucky to have meet you all. To old friends that I have reconnected with thru 'virtual networks', I thank you as well. I don't like to say 'misery loves company' but the idea that we all have issues to deal with and we can learn from others or lean on others is a very warm thought to keep in our minds.

So, with all of that rambling. I do wish everyone continued success in whatever you do; love, family,friends, and even work.

thx.

simple ingredients

you hear that all the time from the great cooks. keep it simple, use fresh ingredients, and let their flavor speak for the dish. i just re-learned that today. ok, maybe i was reminded by my aunt's thanksgiving dinner.

but today i re-learned that chapter. i was just going through the fridge and cooking up some produce before it went bad. i put a chop on some carrots and just softened them down in some butter and a little salt. fantastic. so simple and so good. i sometimes tend to get to fancy and add all sorts of 'wild' flavors to my food. this is the guy who on the next burner made shredded potato patties, where i included a little horseradish. they were good, but in a way not the simple flavor of the carrots.

so, what the hell am i trying to say? in a long and drawn out metaphor, just keep it simple. this works for all aspects of life. dealing with work... keep it simple. dealing with family...keep it simple. dealing with the opposite sex...keep it simple BUT we know that is always easier said than done. actually, i think we confuse simplicity with how uncomfortable the situation may make us feel. but, if you trust the ingredients and your technique it will work out... in the long run. isn't funny how it is always the long run?

later.

Nothing...

...i just don't have anything. but, i feel like i do need to get something out. not quite i know what it is. well, that may not be exactly true. i likely do know what it is but feel ... uncomfortable, shy, embarrassed, or some combination of those.

well, i can always write it down and never publish it. yeah, or i could just put it out there and know that i am more that some silly feelings of insecurity. ( i have to admit, sometimes just the act of typing these words helps to process the thoughts)

so, what is the big deal? ok. so, i sent a note to a somebody who i was very close with. it was an innocent enough correspondence. it was over 3 weeks ago and no response. and, that is what really has my proverbial panties in a bunch. i can live with the fact that i won't ever be close with this person again. i am just having a difficult time dealing with this what? lack of respect? yeah, maybe that is it. and, then of course, that starts a waterfall. did i ever mean anything to this person? and then it just snowballs.

now, i know or at least have been learning that i can only control ME and my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. but, that still doesn't make it easy to swallow. the mind is a terrible thing when left to its own devices. never mind idle hands. they take their orders from the idle mind.

and, i know somebody is going to read this and maybe put some dots together and draw a conclusion. but, let me say it. i am not in love with her anymore. i will always have a place in heart for her, and i will always have love for her. but, i am not in love with her. actually, i miss her more in the realm that she was an extremely close friend. she knew me really well. i let her in and it felt wonderful. i felt like i grew from my time with her.

but that time is the past. i am SO glad that it is in the past. i have grown and no longer want to be in the place where i was. i am better than how i was.

so, what was the point of all this? maybe, it was just time that i got this off my chest and out in the open. and, i have to remind myself that i can only control my actions not somebody else's. those are under their control, and hey maybe there is a reason for not responding (or whatever). i just need to realize that if i am truly their friend that i will understand and accept the situation. but, that still doesn't make it any less painful.

that is life. so, i just need to remember ' LIFE SUCKS. GET A HELMET' . and, that quote i have to thank mr. denis leary.

not sure it helped you. but it did help me. later.

Thanksgiving

ok, so maybe this is a little late but then again, you don't have to read this either. haha. this feels like an entry that i would make in my gratitude journal, and as the holidays would have it... i let it slide. :)

it just seemed like i had something to say, and i really became aware of what i was truly thankful for. maybe, it is like saying grace after the meal. hell, if i know. so, what am i thankful for?

i am grateful for my family and friends. and, those are not always the same thing. it really is like the say, "you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family". what is really important is, do these people make you better, lift you up, fill a void all the while not asking anything from you. are these the people that you would do the same for? i was allowed a wonderful opportunity to have thanksgiving with my aunt & uncle in burlingame, ca ( san fran for all you AAA map challenged). the food was fantastic. let me say that again, the food was fantastic.

side note, my aunt was a chef in her younger days and still is a bad-ass in the kitchen. she worked her way up the ranks, and had very official training. i would take her food any day over anything made from the food network chefs. the food was just basic home style cuisine and was perfect. simple but so much better than all that eccentric fused food.

ok, sorry. just a little tangent. back to my gratitude list. yes, i was with family but i should note that i haven't spent a lot of time with my aunt & uncle. actually, it seems like we see each other more along friends than family. but, i did realize how much i missed my parents, and just how important i am in their lives. sometimes, i fail to realize how important i am to them, how we all need to stop and sometimes look at things from the other perspective. ( that concept is applicable to several fields; industry, government, etc)

now, this did cause sadness but also joy. and, it allowed for a wonderful conversation the next day as we each told our stories of thanksgiving.

friends. the dinner party my aunt threw was primarily attended by her friends, but they seemed as much as family as anything from a 1950's 'leave it to beaver' episode. ( did that work?) now, it helped that most folks knew each other, but newbies were welcomed to the fold. i really enjoyed the opportunity to sit back and just bask in the wonderful conversations, humor, and overall joy. i added when i felt i could, usually in an appropriate vein. now, would be an excellent time to say, that there were times when the topics were just fantastic and probably not to the chagrin of the moral police.... ah, those folks are full of shit anyways. hey my blog, my opinion. it is important for all of us to find those people in our own lives that we would want to spend hours with at a table with wine and great food AND even great conversations. whoever those people are in your life, NEVER let them go. AND, always look to add to that group.

one last thing on family. actually, it is more that just family, it is about the folks in our society who can't provide for themselves for whatever reason. they are people and need to be treated with the dignity and respect that we would want shown to us. or, you would want shown to your 89 yr old grandmother. yeah, mine is in a 'retirement community', and it saddens me at times BUT i do know that it is for her best. it was great to see and spend a little time with her, and i just love how strong her mind still is.... sometimes the body just doesn't keep up. and, of course it can go the other way. spending the time with her i realized that i should spent more time or done more with her. i guess we all go through that, i think that is like chapter 18 in the book of life or something. so, all i can say is that i will try to do more with my family and friends. and, maybe this will give you a lil kick in the pants to do the same. ( that implies that this does get read)

oh, and another thing that was great was getting those unexpected 'happy thanksgiving' texts from somebody you didn't expect from. now, the kicker is getting one that isn't the vanilla, generic one. it really does mean a lot to get acknowledgment from others that you are an important person in their life. on the flip side, it can be just as painful when you don't get something from a special person in your life. but, don't get upset. if they are important to you, you need to ask yourself 'why didn't i get a hold of them'. ALWAYS start the finger-pointing or the blame with yourself... you will usually be right. ( unless dealing with broken items in combination with little children).

wow. i am always surprised how these turn out. it almost feels like i do a stream of conscious thought and hopefully my typing picks up the majority of the words.

later.

Freedom of choice does carry with it....

The freedom to choose does require a person to be accountable and responsible for that decision. I mention this because it really seems to me that we, as a country/ society/ world/ race have lost sight of this. Maybe, this has comeback to my attention because I read some news. What was I thinking?

I think it is great that we allow people to make choices, but it really seems that we have lost sight of the accountability/ responsibility of those decisions. If a person chooses not to go to school, then that person has to live the consequences of that decision. Hey, if you can live with the decision, then who am I to say any different. I really wish that people who cry about big government & fewer choices for people would let acknowledge the possible consequences of those choices. I don't know, it seems like a pretty basic idea to me.

So, the right to choose something is NOT free. Every decision/choice has a cost associated with it, that is basic business. Right? I just want people to be think about the cost of making that particular decision.

OK, I need to get back to some lounging. I am choosing not to be a productive as I could. :)

Morning Workout .... the Networking Pool

I am up, and I am gonna get a quick workout in. But, I thought I would do that for my mind today. Here, I am doing a bit of writing. This morning's topic is gonna deal with getting back into the 'networking pool'. I think of it in exactly the same way as the dating pool.

This occurred to me earlier in the week. I went to a panel discussion at a local education facility where the topic was health informatics ( think of IT meets healthcare with government sprinkled in). And, as usual there was the customary 1/2 'shoulder' for networking. However, I didn't utilize the opportunity to maximize my meetings and in looking back I wasn't happy with that. While, I am not beating myself up about, I am however, acknowledging it and making plans to address in the future. This entry is my way to help visualize and make the commitment that much REAL.

With that said, the whole idea of the dating pool came to me. And, the similarities are the same, and so is the way to deal with it. JUST GET IN THE WATER. You don't have to jump head-first to the deep end, but you can NOT just put your toe in the water. So, I will NOT give you advice here but I will tell you that I am gonna get back into it.

As it turned out, the one fella I talked with was a journalist graduate and worked for a company that focus on information/software ....they try to make the interface been user and environment as optimized as possible. He was there to get some more background on informatics, as this could be a area of future business. You never know who you will meet.

So, with that said "GET OUT THERE" in that networking pool. And, then to paraphrase a friend/ mentor "Meet People, Learn Something, and Have Fun? (thanks Cleon)

Ok, mind workout done. Now it is time to workout the body.

Later.

-thomas

Congratulations, Mr. President

I just want to take the time to give my congratulations to the President on being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. I think it is great that he was awarded the prize but I do have to admit that I wonder what was actually accomplished. THIS question is one that should be asked to the committee that awarded the prize.

I mention this because throughout the day I heard several comments that were filled with anger and disgust toward the President. So, I ask you " How is it the President's fault that he was was awarded a prize?' This just struck me as extremely small-minded, petty, and angry to lash out at the President. I do understand people's anger, but I really feel that it needs to be directed at the right people. As a process person, it just seems the process is flawed because you are complaining about a problem/issue to an entity that has no control over the problem. This just seems to be the common way we do things in the world today or America. I am not sure if this is really the best process.

Now, I hope this doesn't ruffle any feathers or lead somebody to suggest that I don't love America. I love America, and I feel that it is my duty to point out something that looks wrong to me. I mean isn't that how this country got started, by calling out a flawed process and starting a new process. I don't know but it seems more important to me that we actually have a real conversation, figure out the 70% - 80% that we agree on, and then work to to COMPROMISE on a solution for that remaining <30%.

It just seemed like something that I needed to get off my chest.

Nite.