Golden Silence?

we have all heard the phrase, "silence is golden" at some point in our lives.  hell, we might have even been the person to say the phrase.  to be honest, i feel like i have been more on the giving than the receiving side.   or, maybe is more related to my increase of years.   right?  kids don't seem to grasp the joy of silence.  and, parents would probably say that a quiet child is up to something.  in my case as likely documented by my parental units, would definitely concur.  parents worry when there is no side from a child.  and, i get that completely.   kids are to "spongy" to not be out there in life getting into something and learning.   you learn best by doing and maybe even better by failing....think of the hot stove/hand example.

however, i really do feel that silence is golden.  for me, this phrase really hits home when i think of the media.  yes, and this includes old, new, social, and anti-social media.  how many times can i be bombarded with the same trivial, insignificant, "spun-up", boring, un-related new "stories".   is it just an excuse for all of us to not think of our own situations?   i mean i get the whole needing to escape from reality for a small period, but it seems like that is all that we have.   i don't know.   i think i really need to run some miles and have this shit roll out of my head.   :)   it just looks like crap outside and i am not really motivated.  :)

but, back to silence.  do we ever really have any?   do we ever really want any?  would we truly ever know what true silence was?   i mean there is always the voice inside your head, right? 

does your voice sound like your own physical voice?  or does it sound like your ideal voice? 
i have to be honest with you, but i really can tell you about my voice.  hmm, i wonder what would  a shrink would say about this train of 'thought'.  

anyways.   well, no time like the present to do something.  so, i guess it is time to get those miles logged for today.

-tffjr

flashing back

never ceases to amaze me how a picture can talk you back.   now, i am a relatively young man, but it is pretty awesome to see what a difference 5 years can make.   aside from the lack of gray hair, i look about the same.  however, i can really get a sense of how different i have become.  maybe, that is more related to maturity and alot less jager.  ;)   but, i will say that i had some real nice hair, very wavy and i think it might be time to grow it back.

2007 was a pretty wild year.   i was definitely partying hard with my buddies.  i was a pretty care-free guy who was all about having fun and keeping the good times rolling until time for work.   :)

and, it got way better when i meet drv.   i really learned the value of a relationship and how it can truly lift you help and make you want to become more.  i could go on and on.  and, sometimes i often do while i am running my miles.  but, i don't wish to bore you.  :)

i miss smiling like this.  :)

however, you can't live in flash-backs.  have to live in the present, but we have to learn from our past so that we can maximize our future.   and, i am definitely learning.

-tffjr

observations and the rants they become.

i don't know about you but that is how it starts with me.  i see something and then the machine starts turning some mental gears and a rant is being developed.  nothing wrong with that, right?   it is a normal reaction to observing something.  you say, "that is strange"  or  maybe you are like me at sometimes and say, "what the fuck is that asshole thinking?"

personally, i can go in either direction.  and, often the direction is my mood.  funny, huh?   that damn mental state always poking around with their 2 cents.   (i can never find the damn cent symbol, you know the c with a vertical line through it)   fuck you, i know i was digressing.  :)

damn it.  i seriously forgot where i was planning to take this thread.  i am sure the world can hold their breath until i figure it out.   

(pause) 

( several longer drawn out pauses.  maybe, a trip for a beverage)

it did occur to me.  wait.  a more accurate phrasing would be, it reoccured to me that small and gestures really do seem to carry more weight.  often they are unexpected and that is probably why that have such a powerful impact.   i had 2 yesterday.   

the first was being surprised with the delivery of a birthday at my place of work.  my parents decided that would send a cake because they were going to be able to share one with me.   also, i think it was really the first time in a very long time that i had been home for a birthday with my parents.   maybe, it was a way for them to recapture a moment when we were all younger.   it really did move me.   now, i was surprised as anyone when my boss said i had a delivery at the front desk.   i should say that i am not a very big birthday guy, i tend to be very somber and reserved on the days.  well, co-workers asked questions and after lunch we cut cake and they hummed 'happy birthday'.  again, this simple gesture on their part was appreciated.  granted, i feel it was more out of good manners but it still did resonate with me.  i did appreciate.   i hope they saw that i appreciated the effort.

the second seems to be even simpler but carries more impact to me.  it was a simple email response.  granted it was from a very special person who was in my life for a period of time.   i had written her a short email earlier in the day, actually after cake.   it was  a pretty basic email;  "how are you, i am well, miss you".   in the past, i have sent emails and no response.  that is fine, funny how often emails go unanswered nowadays.   it was just something i wanted to do.    i remember the response (i should because this only happened yesterday), it was 2nd intermission at the sabres (fucking lost) and i was checking my phone.   i saw that i had a response.  i was nervous that i didn't answer right away, i just kinda stared for a few minutes.   well, i finally read the short email and it was a simple reply.  however, this simple act really gave me a reason to smile, even though the sabres were losing.   but, it just seemed to 

point out the importance of simple gestures.  

often, i think we tend to over think something.  we fail to remember the KISS motto; keep it simple, stupid.   simple is better.  less is more.   i feel that was the best re-gift that i could have gotten on my birthday.   :)

so, maybe not a rant by a drunken & angry standard.  :)  

but, still a worthy train of my thoughts.

-tffjr

crazy dreams

dreams are some crazy shit.  i have never put much stock in them, in terms of some future indication of things to happen.  and, usually we have some many dreams that the ones we recollect are just a tiny a fraction.   that alone might be something to indicate something, if i finally remember the dream then it had to be something pretty wild to make the brain sit up and notice.

well, here it goes, or at least what i remember:

i was somehow coaching a high school girl's basketball team in some sort of tournament.  the game was taking place as a "road" game, and similar to that hostile school hackman's team played at in 'hoosiers'.   anyways, we are at half-time and i am giving the team some half-time speech.   i make it pretty clear that i have no damn idea about x's and o's of basketball and will leave that to the assistant coach.  i am focusing on getting this team so emotionally fired up that they will run through walls, piss fire, whatever to win this game for each other.   i make it clear to them, this is not about me but rather for themselves.   and, then some fiery shit about taking this opportunity and shoving it down the other teams throat or up their ass.  i am not sure which.  either way, the message seems to be delivered to the team, as the whole time they are transfixed on my speech.   it was pretty cool.

however, the weird part was that i was giving this speech while the whole team was sitting in a big ass hot tub.   i know, what the fuck is that about.   and, then after the speech, and the team runs out for the second half, i am walking back to the court, and i noticed that my phone was in my suit pocket, wait for it, while i was in the hot-tub.   and, then i can not get the idea of how stupid i was to sit in a hot tub with my phone in my suit pocket.   notice, i don't seem to think it odd that i am sitting in a suit in a hot tub giving a speech to a women's basketball team.

see, there is some wacked out shit there.  i have no idea where to start or if even to start.  well, at least writing it down makes me laugh while i am typing.

key take away?

somebody needs to make a waterproof cellphone, and i am not talking about some case you put your phone it.  i mean i go to the cellphone booth in the mall and pick up a phone that i can sit in a hot tub with and it will still work so i can call my shrink about a crazy ass dream i just had.


whatever that was worth.  :)

-tffjr

waiting...

hurry up and wait.  seems like i am doing that alot.  airports are the ultimate example of that.  now, i am waiting for my flt back home. 

waiting makes me think about the good, the mistakes, the growth, the pain (both mine &  others), the future, the past, and  most importantly the present.

self-reflection, if more did it would be ALL truly be better as a world.   i don't know.  if you are truly aware of yourself and how you impact others, would that that make your decisions ...

i truly am rambling.  it isn't so easy to compose something on my phone's keyboard.

i am feeling stressed, so i am gonna get some greasy egg mcmuffins. 

-tffjr

Same Shoe, Different Foot

i guess this is a take off of the phrase; "same shit, different day".   i have been thinking about the story of the American soldier who reportedly shot and killed 16 civilians.   this is a soldier that is fighting in afghanistan and i have to admit the details of the story are pretty minimal at this point.  now, i never think it is right when a civilian is killed, especially by a soldier but i am curious if these civilians are truly without blame.   how many times do we hear stories from the media about civilians helping the terrorists? did everyone forget all of the soldiers that were killed by their afghan "peers"?  i am sure this soldier had reached a "breaking" point.  a person can only be pushed for so far until they push back.  

again, i am not saying what this soldier reportedly did was right.  but, i am saying that maybe i can understand how he got to this place.   and, to be honest i don't have the desire to stomach through the political nonsense and spinning done by the media shows.

one thing that did jump out to me was how the President said, whoever did this would be help responsible.  I completely agree with that.  all actions carry consequences and people need to be help responsible.   however, i heard absolutely nothing similar when American soldiers were being brutally murdered by afghan "peers".   i understand that the afghan people were distraught about copies of their holy book being burned.  but, not once did i hear a single afghan leader say those who did these horrible acts would be held responsible.   i guess our countries and our leaders just have different feet.   notice, i don't say their culture because i truly feel that people of the Islam faith are just as good or bad as people of the Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist or any other faith.   

maybe, that is the problem with the situation there?   we just can't get past our different feet.  everyone knows what a foul mood you can be in when your feet hurt.  foot problems truly can suck.   how do we fix our foot problems in the world?  but, maybe even more important is to ask ourselves is my foot problem due to something else?    

something to think about.

-tffjr

rambling on... about arrogance

i am not sure if i have nightmares anymore.  maybe, it is a matter of semantics.  imagine that.  :)
ok, so when i refer to nightmares,  it is those dreams that you have when you see a scary movie.   right?
we all remember those warnings from our parents, and we all know that we have had them.   so, when i say nightmares that is what i refer to.   i can honestly say that i don't have those anymore...nobody is chasing me down, no monster eating me, or typical scary movie shit.

i will say that my mind will sometimes get into a gear that is just not conducive to getting quality sleep.  my mind starts to play out scenarios where i just fail to be a good person or just plain fail at something.  i make those bad decisions that only set me back in my growth.  typically, i am doing the dumb-shit of my youth or when i was more selfish.  or, it feels like my brain is playing out worse-case scenarios for me. 

now, i should be asking how did i get myself to this place.  or, do i just need to acknowledge it and move past these negative thoughts?   i can't get my mind clear, and it is really driving me nuts.   it is stress.  and, there we go.  the root of pretty much everything... stress.   why?

i am worried that i didn't pass my certification test.  plan and simple.  i was not comfortable,  i felt flustered, i felt rushed, i was not at peace.   most likely due to my arrogance regarding my preparation for the test.   however, the arrogance is a bigger issue.  i know when i start to get like this then something happens to be level me out.   the last time, i had this happened ..well, i wrecked my truck and broke my nose.  not this time.  that is a big improvement.  :)    no booze will make it easier to not do dumb shit.

so, if i were to set back then maybe i am truly improving myself.   i noticed the problem before anything truly bad happened.  i took some time to think it through and the act of writing it down helps my process.
maybe, i still need to run off some of this energy as i won't really be able to concentrate with work.

yeah, sounds like a better plan that grabbing 2 extra slices.  :)   next, i will work to kick the stress-eating but i did enjoy that mighty pack last night.  :)

just my thoughts.  this was more for me than you.  but, feel free to "learn" from it.

-tffjr

giving back

Sitting around, thinking how to help, wondering what do i bring to the table, what can i share.   Just a few ideas that lead to my decision to join a race event for charity.

What about you?

dirty hands

my current blog location uses a different email address than my standard gmail account.

i wanted to be able to make updates to my blog with the standard account, that is leading me down a path of a new blogger account or adding another contributor email address.

let me just say that nothing is ever as easy as "somebody" else makes it out to be, especially in written form.   it takes some getting your hands dirty to figure just what the hell to do.

yes, my hands are getting dirty.   

hopefully, i can get this squared away soon.

-tffjr

it does appear that i was able to finally get to what i wanted.   guess there is about 3ways you can skin a goat.   (eat it, peta!)

2-21-2012

traction vs. direction

sometimes, it is just a matter of doing something, anything to get some traction.  traction is what i feel that i don't have right now.   not quite sure as to why.  maybe, it is more of a direction issue than traction?  or, maybe it is a combination of both, and of varying combinations depending on the aspect of my life that we are talking about.  wow, this could be a really long and winding internal discussion that i am about to put to "paper".

life "buckets"; spiritual, personal and  professional.

spiritually, it feels like i am stagnant.  it seems like i have lost my focus, i have stopped reading my daily excerpts, i have stopped with yoga, i have stopped.  this is not a good place for me to be.  now, i would say that i am not carrying around hostile energy for other peoples or even their actions.   i do feel that i am of good intentions, or at least i am being honest with other people, especially as it relates to relationships.  with all of that said, i do feel this heaviness upon me.  as i say that, it feels almost as if that could be for this lack of traction or direction that i ultimately feel.  

don't you usually add weight to something to help it get traction, or am i just thinking as a person who is living in an snow-belt area?

so, what is the source of this weight?  expectations for myself from me?  from others?  external views of my life? regret? fear? an overactive brain? 

to answer simply, it is yes. 

ok, great.  now, which of those can i truly impact or "control"?  honestly, i can only control me, and my brain.  i have to get my expectations under control.  i have to be truly honest about what i can accomplish in situations.  i need to understand that times like this will occur, and that i will have to find my way through them.  the solution can be varied, and likely will be.  it may even be something that i did before.   i will find a way through this, as i have previously.   and, once i do i will gain both traction and direction. 

the act of putting these words from my mind to "paper" is a definite start.  and, i think i need to get back to my spirituality, as a way to quiet my mind.  the last few evenings i have had wonderful nights of sleep, maybe it helps that i was working off a cold.  early to bed, and lots of calming sleep.   so, i know that i can quiet my mind, just need to do it more.   time to get "comfortable with uncertainty" again. :)

and, i need to get pass a milestone that i set for myself.  pass a certification test in a few weeks.  i know this is weighing on my mind, and that is good.  nervous is a good thing, it means it matters.  use the additional weight to add more traction to the effort and maintain the direction and move past the milestone.  :)

finally, am i truly able to move past my life in portland?  this is a tough question.  should i move past this part of my life?  i do still think it was the right decision for me at the time to move away.   but, would there ever be a reason to go back?  well, those questions seem like very weighty, and i need to remove some weight first before i tackle those.  :)   (maybe, if asked by the right person)

traction and direction.  you need both to get anywhere you set you milestone.



-ttjr