2-21-2012

traction vs. direction

sometimes, it is just a matter of doing something, anything to get some traction.  traction is what i feel that i don't have right now.   not quite sure as to why.  maybe, it is more of a direction issue than traction?  or, maybe it is a combination of both, and of varying combinations depending on the aspect of my life that we are talking about.  wow, this could be a really long and winding internal discussion that i am about to put to "paper".

life "buckets"; spiritual, personal and  professional.

spiritually, it feels like i am stagnant.  it seems like i have lost my focus, i have stopped reading my daily excerpts, i have stopped with yoga, i have stopped.  this is not a good place for me to be.  now, i would say that i am not carrying around hostile energy for other peoples or even their actions.   i do feel that i am of good intentions, or at least i am being honest with other people, especially as it relates to relationships.  with all of that said, i do feel this heaviness upon me.  as i say that, it feels almost as if that could be for this lack of traction or direction that i ultimately feel.  

don't you usually add weight to something to help it get traction, or am i just thinking as a person who is living in an snow-belt area?

so, what is the source of this weight?  expectations for myself from me?  from others?  external views of my life? regret? fear? an overactive brain? 

to answer simply, it is yes. 

ok, great.  now, which of those can i truly impact or "control"?  honestly, i can only control me, and my brain.  i have to get my expectations under control.  i have to be truly honest about what i can accomplish in situations.  i need to understand that times like this will occur, and that i will have to find my way through them.  the solution can be varied, and likely will be.  it may even be something that i did before.   i will find a way through this, as i have previously.   and, once i do i will gain both traction and direction. 

the act of putting these words from my mind to "paper" is a definite start.  and, i think i need to get back to my spirituality, as a way to quiet my mind.  the last few evenings i have had wonderful nights of sleep, maybe it helps that i was working off a cold.  early to bed, and lots of calming sleep.   so, i know that i can quiet my mind, just need to do it more.   time to get "comfortable with uncertainty" again. :)

and, i need to get pass a milestone that i set for myself.  pass a certification test in a few weeks.  i know this is weighing on my mind, and that is good.  nervous is a good thing, it means it matters.  use the additional weight to add more traction to the effort and maintain the direction and move past the milestone.  :)

finally, am i truly able to move past my life in portland?  this is a tough question.  should i move past this part of my life?  i do still think it was the right decision for me at the time to move away.   but, would there ever be a reason to go back?  well, those questions seem like very weighty, and i need to remove some weight first before i tackle those.  :)   (maybe, if asked by the right person)

traction and direction.  you need both to get anywhere you set you milestone.



-ttjr