13.5

i write this with a state of mind that is not at its best.   (join the club, right?)
i feel so selfish for having this "sorry for myself" attitude, especially when i think about what some other people are going through.   they have real struggles dealing with things that really make my little issues seem very small.

does this make me a shallow person for feeling this way?

does this make me selfish?

normally, when i get this mood cloud enveloping me, i will strike out in ways that serve me no positive purpose.  i am looking to dampen the pain or discomfort with something else.   usually, it comes in the form of eating.  i love to stress eat and not being in buffalo definitely helps here because i am not getting mighty, hoagie, pizza pie, or even slimers.  that has been the normal stress response.  

sometimes, i will just go text crazy, looking for some feedback from somebody to try to make me feel "less sorry for myself".   i wish i could just communicate with folks in a manner that was more personal.   i never express where my pain comes from and how it truly makes me feel.   (maybe this is a step forward) .    actually, i wish i could ask others to give their help to me like i would offer to them.   (does that make sense?)   i will gladly offer my help to my friends but have such a difficult time expressing my need for help at times.   why can't i improve upon this?

... so here i write, in an attempt to utilize this energy in a positive manner.    ok, maybe actually talking to a person would be more of a benefit.   i guess i am truly still holding back on my feelings.   i know this is an area that i strive to improve upon.

what do i want?

i want to be in a relationship.   i want to be a part of something that is more than 2 individuals.  i crave the mental, physical, and spiritual touch of a partner.  i look ( or i think i do) and i can't seem to make inroads.   something i am doing isn't right in my process.  

i wonder how people see me.  is it the same as i see myself?
should i ask the question?
will the answers surprise me?
if so, will that cause me to try something new?

nite.

-tffjr

13.4

read something today that i think is important to keep in mind.  it goes something like this:

YOUR BODY, MIND, & MOUTH should all be in sych with each other.  Speak what you truly feel and think. Actions match your words.  All three are sides to a triangle or components of another "3 lock box"

something to be aware of, as change only happens when you know what the issue is.

-tffjr

13.3

Are the things that truly upset me in other people just reflections of my own issues?

Does "hitting close to home" heighten my own sensitivity to the issue?

I think YES.  so now i must work to resolve my own issues and help others too.

13.2

(it should be pretty easy to figure out the titles after awhile)

watching the first half of the BCS game between 'Bama & the Domers is really making me wonder about expectations and reality.  the sports guys will always talk about the "cinderella" or the "david v. golalith" stories when a team is playing beyond their known abilities.

this idea got me thinking about our "known" abilities.  i think we all have a known quantity and level of  ability.   and, i think in my own example i probably have played to or just below my ability on most occasions.   and, that is NOT a good thing.   why is that?  why not play to a higher standard?  why not make the exception to play below my ability on that very rare instance?

my biggest example has been in how i deal with my relationships.   yeah, back to 13.1  :)
but, i can say that is has occurred alot in terms of when i have been at a new employment opportunity.   the root cause in my opinion is due to not staying in the present.  it is about wanting to be somewhere else, more exotic, more exciting, and a bunch of other non-boring descriptions.

this idea dovetails with an article i read about strengthening the brain.   deepok chodura was the author i believe.   boiled down, the idea is that you have to exercise the brain with creative tasks, such as poetry, reading, writing, something outside your normal, drab, numb activities.   he says the key is to make to break out of a normal, standard routine.   just like your body muscles, they will get used to something and then gains become minimized.   he also specifically mentioned allowing yourself to love and be loved.  that idea really seemed to connect to me.   funny, how you can see connections, especially when you have tuned yourself or maybe in my case turned on the tuner.  :)

so, where am i going with this?

i think the idea of pushing yourself, especially pushing/growing your mind is what helps us to play above our "normal" level.   funny, how stuff seems to connect at times.

so, what does this mean for me?

i have to continue to strive to become less private about my feelings for people in my life.  i have to allow myself to be hurt again because the upside is so much greater than the downside.

-tffjr

Lucky '13.1

i have really lost my desire to make my "words" heard via the internet.  :)
have i lost my message?   no.  i just feel that maybe it is more important for me to hear my own words and not focus so much on whether others hear the words.    that seem silly?

but, i do feel there is something that i gain with posting my thought to the internet.   it is an exercise to help me become less private about my life.  that is a definite area that i need to work on.   as i become less private and more comfortable sharing my ideas with the internet, i feel this can translate to how i deal with my feeling with people in real/person-person relationships.   and, i definitely feel that my goal for this year is to work on becoming more willing to share myself with others.

so, we shall see how this goes.  because, i do feel that my private nature has been something that has limited my ability to develop those life-altering relationships or maybe you call them love.  :)

so, here is to my lucky '13.

-tffjr

12/20/2012

i find myself at a place where i truly have to wonder about all this connectivity that we have.   i know that i have asked this before and clearly i am still wondering.   i can only control my own connectivity with things.   i am okay with that.  i feel we are really moving toward this over saturation of "information" and i don't know if that is good or bad.    i mean a recent story about some company using the pictures of the members created this huge backlash.   it struck me as funny because nothing is really ever private anymore...especially after it goes on the internet/web/cloud or whatever it will be called in the future.   if you put it out there in the "public" is it really still yours?  maybe, it is also about this sense of entitlement that everyone has about their "goods"?   i don't know.   or maybe, it is just another example of accountability/ responsibility going out the window?   again, i don't know.   sure, i have my ideas and i am sure you do.

well, this thought seems to be wandering nowhere.  :)

-tffjr

Thanks, Mom.

I had a wonderful opportunity to spend some time with my mom.  We spend the time driving across the country.  No better way to see the country.  No better way to spend time with somebody.  No better way to realize how special of a person my mom is, and how luck I am to have her in my life.

I am the luckiest son in the world.  I miss her already.  I apolgize for the times I got frustrated.  I can NOT wait to take another trip with her.  I love you, mom.

-tffjr

Seven Days

that is how long it is going to take me to drive across the country; from buffalo, ny to san francisco, ca.
well, it should only be 6 days, as 1 day was spent in chicago sightseeing.   6 days to travel 3000+ miles.
makes me think about those early settlers and the sheer size of their BALLS to perform this task.   impressive band of people of all types.  

this is the second time that i have done this in 2 years.  the first time was from the west to the east.  the biggest difference was having the wind at my back to help with the gas mileage.  well, that and the sights i saw.  

i am always amazed at what you see when you drive this country.  the variety of landscapes, climates, and wonderful sights.  but, the constant is the people.   people have been so nice, and willing to share a smile, kind word or a little about themselves.  i wonder if that is because they are tourists and not taking anything for granted.  

YEAH, I THINK THAT IS IT.

i know that i get the feeling of complacency with sights and sounds of a place after awhile.  regardless, that there is still so much more to see.   hell, take the whole leaving portland.  i felt that i was done with the place but upon further review realized that alot more was waiting for me.   also, a part of me was left behind when i left.  

so, what does this mean for me?   simply, it means that i am going to TRY and approach everyday like i am on a roadtrip.   kind words and smile to everyone.    see or do one special thing a day.   realize that i can always stop, turn around, and go back.   have a plan but still allow myself to make changes when needed, sometimes those make for the best adventures.

oh, and most importantly, and when possible have a co-pilot to enjoy the trip.
this trip has been more enjoyable because my mom has been here to share this with me.   it truly has been special, even if we are different about certain things.  :)

hopefully, you can relate and more importantly you will take your own "SEVEN DAYS"

-tffjr

?

i wonder if people ever truly think about how they are seen by others.   and, i am not talking about in a superficial way, but in a serious, soul-searching type of sight.   i ask the question because i seem to have this mild fascination with the "online presence".   it can be related to twitter, blogs, texts, online dating, craiglist, comments made on a news story, facebook updates, and on and on and on.  is there a little irony here with me writing this blog and you out there reading this?   but, isn't that the whole point at least from your perspective, to get a sense of who i am.   i mean it isn't your fault if i choose to add or make content that is superficial, incomplete, or even inaccurate.  nope.  you are just here to see the content, be entertained and maybe get a sense of the person.   so, i guess the whole point is that me as the contributor have the responsibility to put forth content that reflects who i truly am.  in the end, we each have to hold ourselves accountable for what we do, what we write, what we say.  

so, maybe i have answered my own question.   i do think people think about how they are seen by others.  and,  maybe some of them just don't care how others see them.

and, maybe that isn't such a bad think.   if you can see yourself for who you truly are then you are doing ok.   however, i wonder (ever a good thing?) if that vision is the same vision as those of others.

this thought has been prevalent in my mind the last few days.  i know it is because of my returning back to portland.  my time away was good for me, as it helped me to really work towards finding who i was, and who i wanted to be.   time away allowed me to not worry how i thought my friends might see the changes i was making.  i did not have to worry about the pressure i would feel to have them see me as they always did, even if that was a view of myself that i had grown to dislike.   we all strive to become our best, and true friends are there to help you along the way.   

i am who i have become, but that is not set in stone.  i will continue to make changes to make me better.

so, here i come.

kool-aid

kool-aid.   the phrase goes, "drink the kool-aid".
it is never more obvious then when referring to the news, and especially when dealing with politics.
the Vice Presidential debate was the previous night.  I watched the debate.   I overheard my dad talk about the debate.   he didn't watch the debate but was "informed" about the debate from the morning news shows.   he informed me that the Vice President smiled alot during the debate, at where "inappropriate" times.   i knew exactly what he was talking about in terms of actions, but the Vice President's actions were not "inappropriate" in my eyes.   what am i getting at?

it just seems that an opinion was put forward rather than the content.  more focus was put on the presentation than the content of the debate.  and, it just seemed like the opinionated "kool-aid"was passed along as fact.

that makes me think about kook-aid.  hey, i grew up drinking that stuff by the gallons because "as a mom i can control the sugar".   we all remember that line from the commercial.   side track.
but, do we drink the kool-aid because we just want something to quench our thirst.  regardless of what it taste likes.    hey, we are gonna drink what we like regardless of the side effects.  right?  am i being to pessimistic?

i don't know if i am.  but, i am starting to get a little feed-up with all the flavors of kool-aid.

so, now i just drink water?