Trusting the Gut

yeah, it never ceases to amaze me how right the gut gets it. especially, when we take the time to look back on a decision. sure, it seems crazy or tough or insane or just wrong or any other lunch buffet of adjectives. but, it is even better when it proves out to be the right call.

from my own experience, the decision to leave pdx, head east, and try something news seems to be the completely correct call. i have been back visiting the pdx area for the last week, and probably for an additional week. while fantastic to reconnect with friends, it became evident that staying was not the correct option for me. all those ideas of why i wanted to leave came flooding back too. it isn't that i am anti-pdx, it is just that i feel growth opportunities will be more outside of here. additionally, i could feel the stagnation creeping in again on me and in just a short time here. see the gut was right. :) but, then again it usually is. i mean, we should know ourselves best and that knowledge should allow for the best decisions to be made.

so, yes i am glad that i left pdx. but, i am by no means happy to have left such wonderful friends. that was the hard part of leaving but also has been the real joy of visiting.

-just my 2 cents.

Waiting for a ride

yeah, i hate waiting. i really find it a bit on the pain in the ass side more than unbearable. ( i was gonna say unbearable but then i thought about the pain of losing someone or what it not know about a loved one missing. kinda sad how we are always so quick to make the those broad and absolute statements, especially when we KNOW better. is this whole blog gonna be a side note? :))

what am i waiting for? my new car. my new sense of freedom? my new opportunity for adventure? nope. just my car. i find it interesting how i lose sight of what is in front of me. this recent daunt back to pdx made that clear, and most likely clear again. i always know this but need to gently remind myself from time to time. so, now you ask what is the lesson?

as i see it, the lesson is:

-there is really no reason to wait for some outside event that has to occur for you to do something. everything you need is right there in front of you. no need to wait for something external to say "time to go". it is always about when you are ready to act. no more waiting for that phone call, package delivery, new sale, or whatever. make the decision yourself, start it, and enjoy it.

-just my 2 cents

On your Mark. Get Set. Go!

wow. i can't believe what i am about to embark on. it is a mix of excitement, fear of the unknown, anticipation of events which may or may not be in my control. that is part that really is the most interesting .....control. or maybe, it is the illusion of control. yeah, maybe i did borrow a line from 'Days of Thunder'.

maybe, this is what this whole trip will be about for me. getting back some control of my life. the last few months, while enjoyable and learning did seem to make me a bit more dependent upon others or giving up a bit of control of my life. granted, that is more of an impression and not likely the case because that is what we do, we ask for help from others in our lives. it is important to know that you can ask for help. that really might be the most important thing i learned, was asking for help. we all need to put pride aside at times. and, then there are times when we need to put the pride back in our life, and maybe that is what taking control is all about. I AM PROUD OF MY IDEAS FOR MYSELF AND I WILL BRING THEM TO FRUITION. (ok, maybe i didn't need to scream it)

are you asking yourself, what are you rambling about?

my plan is to buy a new car and then enjoy a drive back east to see the sights, and maybe even more to prove that i can do this by myself. good practice for my month long trip through europe. as a good engineer, we all know that nothing works perfectly the first time. have to run the process through some 'stress' to see what needs a tweak.

also, this trip will allow me to see old friends from portland again. funny how 2 months seems like a long time in some situations. will our perceptions have changed? will i still feel the connection when actually face to face with them again? will second guessing come into play? will relationships seems stronger or weaker or maybe even reconnected?

all very interesting questions. i think the best part will be the entire process, rather than the results. that is what i will try to keep as my main focus for this wild and fantastic adventure.

-stay tuned.

Leaves

So, I am laying under a tree and I look up.   How many times do we do that?   "They" say to smell the roses, I say look up at the leaves.  

Remember to keep taking different perspectives from time to time.

just my 2cents.  
Ps.  Where is the old school cent symbol on this keyboard?

3's to Maturation

sometimes, i am just struck by how efficient the human brain can work. how you can just seem to have the clarity of thought to explain things, but usually those things tend to be after the fact. guess, that is why hindsight is 20/20. anyways, today it struck me that maturity is something that takes its own time for each person. exactly, the reason why maturity level is different for each person out there. so, what am i taking about?

it seems to me that each person has to go through 3 stages before they reach maturity. maybe, maturity is the wrong term....maybe it should be emotional intelligence? the idea being that we all have to go through these 3 stages at least once before we become an emotionally developed person. or, at least that is the case for me. :) so, yes, i am basing my whole theory on a single but highly studies data point....me.

so, what are the 3 stages?
1. allowing yourself to open your heart to another person. basically, this is putting yourself into a situation where you open yourself to another person. if you are lucky enough, maybe you fall in love but hopefully you meet a person that knowing makes you crave to grow.

2. working through a tramatic event. we all have shit that happens to us, sometimes it isn't our fault and we just have to work though it. the good part of these events is that they often lead to change. as we all know, change is never easy and never occurs without some sort of "pain". when the status quo no longer is "painless" is the time that changes occurs.

3. knowing that you are ready to make changes to your life. this is a tough thing for everyone because at this point a person has to acknowledge they are not perfect and maybe even a little wrong. nobody likes being wrong. but, this is an opportunity for growth. when you see the opportunity then you know you are reaching maturity.

now, the interesting part of this is how this seems to occur in 30's for most folks. and, this make seems to match up when most folks become "mature" or grownups. the reason that seems to make the most sense, is that you have finally had enough time to experience the 3 events. that isn't to say that some people won't experience it sooner or later.

for me, it all happened by my mid-30's, 35 to be exact. i meet a wonderful woman that i allowed into my life, and wanted in my life. i was fired from a job that i had for 10+ years. and, i decided that my life, my attitude, and my treatment of people had to change. all this happened, and what strikes me was that so many people that i knew made mention of the changes that i was attempting to make permament in my life. that was extremely powerful and rewarding to me.

so, now that maturity starts in a person, i don't think that growth cycle or process improvement ever stops. i mean we continue to have good and bad events in our lives, and we still look for ways to make ourselves better. just my thoughts on it. maybe, one to many beverages made it not flow as well as i hoped but at least i am trying. :)

thanks, and i hope you got something.

Golf...metaphor for life?

the only reason i mention that as a possible title because it is said that golf is all mental. maybe, the one sport where less credit is given to physical ability that mental prowess. and, i think we can all relate and agree that life is all mental. i mean, where the mind wants to go the body follows and hope delivers to that place with the soul riding shotgun.

very recently, i have felt very lazy. no real desire to do my workout routine or much of anything. well, except maybe read some quick-fiction novels, nothing to deep but i was surprised how fast i went through them. hindsight, my suggest that i just wanted to keep my brain mildly active. i would also suggest that the biggest shortcoming of my sabbatical has been keeping my mind active and engaged in issues of substance. sure, i can read the news, wonderful to kickstart some depression or wonder WTF is going on in the collective mind of humanity. (i hate to agree with religious zealots but maybe we need to hit the reset button or something to course correct)

my mind just has not felt engaged in anything. sure, i have a plan of where i want to get to, and i am working to get that plan to fruition. sometimes, i guess i just need to try and engage more on conversational levels, and i was really doing that on my recent trips...that is probably what i am missing. we all need those outside of our bubble/sphere/world communications. looks like we are back to networking; meeting folks, sharing ideas, and having fun. oops, i am not sure where i am right now in this topic.

oh yeah, mental aspect of life. that mental engagement has to occur but i really thing that it must not be in a vacuum. i mean we ALL love Jimi Hendrix and he a master of feedback. that is what it is about...feedback. we are social beings and we need to know that we have having some impact on other, and hopefully it is positive OR more than a congressional tweet (sorry, Representative Weiner).

ok, so i need to look to make that a goal for myself. sometimes, it just helps to get it out there in front of all of your senses.
just my thought, i don't know if anyone reads this, and if you do then i guess this is working some small amount for me.

-take care.

Untitled, but maybe something to do with 'unplugging'

it has been awhile since i have written. i know that i have ideas, dreams, nightmares, fears and tales to tell. maybe, it is more about just feeling "really, does anyone give a shit?". :) i mean, really we do live in a time when everything we do is out there, or at least that seems what the default setting is. it really feels like you have to take the extra step, and in alot of cases those steps should be taken, to prevent it from going "out there". now, i am not hear to rail against technology...i think it is wonderful. i am just saying that maybe we as a society could take a little time to "unplug, shutdown, turn-off, or 'shut the hell up' for a few precious moments. the art of conversation, more importantly listening seems to be falling to the side. and, it is everywhere in the world, not just here in America.

i was recently traveling with my parents, and that is an entire encyclopedia of stories in of itself. (note: spelling encyclopedia on the first try, and i think i learned that in like 3rd grade). one of the thinks that was so evident was how "technologically backwards" my dad was. this is not a slam, it is just the use of air-quotes to explain something. (relax PC police). he paid with cash ('green paper, kids'), no credit card, no cell phone, no need to update facebook ( i was guilty of that), no always pointing camera/phone to get a picture ( guilty here), overall he was on vacation and only needed to let people know when he landed safely. otherwise, it was just him and his family enjoying the vacation. he would strike up conversations with other travelers, but was enough at ease with himself to give others space, and enjoy the solitude that comes from traveling to a city where you know not a soul. looking back on it, i guess there was another lesson that i learned from my dad , mom too, and re-learned. it is very important that you be your own person, able to survive on your own but able to be a good part of a community, and sometimes you just have to make those physical contracts with people.

i suggest to everyone, if you can, take your parents on a trip. they deserve it and will enjoy it. hey, they took you on all those trips. :)

just my rambling.

-thanks BR for reminding me to write again.

Bye-Bye, You Bastard.

wow. well. it looks like the USA finally got that dirty bastard. it feels strange. i mean, nobody wishes to celebrate the death of anyone but this is one that i am for. Bin Laden was a cancer on humanity. i found out we got him, though a bunch of texts and my facebook had a lot of updates that he was gone. now, i am watching the news and it is just wild to see the people gathering to celebrate this event. the best part is seeing the amount of pride people are showing for this country. i think this is a wonderful thing, and hopefully we will use this to unite us more and continue to deal with the other real issues that we have to deal with.

the other thing that strikes me, is that whatever you want can be achieved and often times it requires massive amounts of time, energy and commitment. sometimes, you take a step backwards or sideways before you make the significant steps forward.

way to go!. this is a great thing to celebrate but we still need to focused. this is just a small part but it still warrants celebration.

thank you to all of the men and women who serve to protect all of us! we are humbled by your service to our wonderful country.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

final thoughts on portland

it just seems fitting title as i sit here in the airport waiting to fly back east. to start the next chapter on my life, to close a very long and recent chapter of my life. it is harder than i thought it would be to leave. i have felt moisture build up in the corner of my eyes several times today. i am glad for that. it means that the last 10+ years have been about something, been for something, been special. to often, we gloss over the people we meet, the friends we make, the adventures we make, the successes we have, the failures that help to redefine and ultimately improve us. ( i am sure there is an english teacher, completely appalled by the lack of proper grammar and spelling).

well, sometimes this is how i communicate. i put a rant together and let the words flow.

i was truly blessed, honored, and most of all humbled by the sheer number of people that came to my farewell party. it is more important to be defined by the people you know and the quality of those relationships. i always tended to focus on the quality but was completely amazed by the quantity. you all make me a better person for knowing you. i was truly the lucky one to know so many of you. i could sit and say that i wish we had done more, but that takes away from the power of each of the interactions that i had with you. yes, more would have been nice but i say make the most out of every single interaction/ relationship you have. tell them how special they are, how important they, or just how much you enjoy them buying your drinks. :)

looking back on my start here in portland, i see that i am a better man. i have learned humility. i have loved. i have been broken-hearted. i have been fired. i have hit rock bottom. but, i grew from all of the that with the help of old friends, newer friends, and myself. but, the friends clearly were the most important.

why am i leaving? well, to put it simply, i need a fresh start. i need to not look over "my shoulder" but rather keeping looking forward for the next growth opportunity. looking back will only make me dwell for something or someone who is past. i will move forward. just as much about moving forward, is the fact that i will be closer to my family. my grandmother passing was an important learning event and hammered home the importance of my family. but, unfortunately i will miss my portland family. ;)

so, this is all wonderful, you say. so, i will just ask that you make sure to find the time to see the friends you care about. don't think that you can see them "next time". if it matters, make the effort.

talk care of yourselves, my friends.

-TF

Humility

wow. i was completely amazed at the how different people can be perceived with just the slight addition of humility.
for me, i am comparing charlie sheen and terry pegula.

mr. pegula is the new owner of the buffalo sabres and business owner. also, let me take a moment to express my gratitude to him for buying and keeping the sabres in buffalo. and, he has clearly stated his goal of winning the cup. awesome!!!

charlie is an actor who has his share of personal issues in the media.

so, back to humility. charlie's shows was cancelled for remainder of the year due to his rants about pretty much everything. now, as a fan of a good rant, i also know that sometimes the stuff is said for effect. but, i definitely got the sense that chucky was serious. maybe, that happens when you deal with some very painful stuff...either you open up or you build up more walls. i hope that chuck can really find it to heal. the rant, in my opinion was definitely not from a funny place and really turned me off to his situation and i applaud the fallout he should take. no humility was present, and thus i see in chucky in a non-positive light.

however, mr. pergula had a sincere letter to fans at the website for the sabres. it was geninue and oozed humility. i immediately felt a connection, and that is wonderful thing. sometimes, it is hard to connect with people from such different economic situations but humility goes along way in building that connection. i can relate and i wish nothing but the best for terry and his family.

just seemed like a great example of what humility can do to improve how the world see you.
so, i need to continue to try and convey humility in my own life. people do want to relate to each other.

-just a thought