NOPE, that is bullshit. you put a fucked up sentence in your paragraph and you spell like you made your own dictionary. (ok, maybe that is a bit harsh for a elementary teacher's feedback to little kid's "what i did this summer" report)
holy shit. where was i going with this? pause. pause. yeah. taking a break. or putting the brakes on what is going on with my life. it is probably some where in the middle. but, we can talk about each one i guess. ( funny, but i sometimes think this writing is actually helping me)
Brake Time:
ok. so, this popped in my head because it feels like BRAKES are being applied to me, my thinking, my life, my direction, and all that other stuff. why do i say this? maybe just my perception. but, like a manager told me once "perception is reality".
the issues aren't really that bad, but seem like a bit of a hassle.
1. still waiting for my plates to come for my new car. YES, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE PROACTIVE IN CALLING ABOUT THEM. YES, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN AN ADDITIONAL TRIP PERMIT WHEN STILL IN OREGON. so, clearly this is an issue that i could have resolved better. i know that and i accept where i am with that. i guess i am really pissed is that i should have done a better job of seeing this problem and planning for it. now, i am not blaming anyone but myself and that it how it should be. what i do from here is on me and is an indication of how much i have grown. well, i still have room to grow because i was not open to "hearing advice" from my mother. (but, if you have gotten my mom's advice you might understand). it was not the advice, it was hearing or having to acknowledge my failing...never an easy thing to do. but, we continue to try and sometimes fail but always learning.
2. need to update paperwork for my ASQ certification. you are probably say, "are you fucking serious, you nerd!" yes, you are right. (wow, this shit does seem pretty mild compared to some shit out there). again, this is just another example of how i did not fully prepare or resolve the issue. for this, i didn't include enough specific in terms of the results my projects generated. i know this is just an example of maybe not giving 100+% to something i am working on. wow, that is not a thing you like to say about yourself. but, if it is true than you have to say it. just another example of thinking to much of ourselves. we are all human, and we make mistakes. so, like the example above, i use this as a learning opportunity to continue to grow and get better.
3. my own ideas, fears, misconceptions, insecurities.. well, the cat is out of the bag on this one. but, i really feel these things are getting in my own way. as much as i try to sound like i have my shit together, i think...nope, know that i am at times just working to keep my own train on the tracks. talk about something not wanting to be published. :) but, you have to embrace those feelings of insecurity or failure or unknown and use it as fertilize. and, not because it is just a bunch of shit, you pessimist. you do it because we only truly growth from pain, failure, disappointment and don't send that shit outward to folks. you have to deal with it, come to terms with and then just let it go into the garbage bin.
so, what are my fears; being alone, not finding my soul mate, unable to care for myself or loved ones, and just letting people who care about me down. but, i know being alone is the one that really gets to me. but, the part that seems the scariest is that i don't feel like i am really make strides to resolve this issue. i know you have to change the process if the one you have now isn't getting you the desired results. i know that i have the capacity to love and be with someone, but at times i wonder if i am truly at that point where i want to. i know i am like that at times but sometimes that feeling "seems to go away". maybe, i am masking that feeling with "noise". i think i need to explore that more.
OK, so what about break time?
well, this has really got to be about letting the walls down, not keeping that stiff upper lip, and just really exploring what/where/who i want to be. surprisingly, this really helps. i wonder sometimes, if this makes me seem more neurotic or more in tune with myself. i guess i can ask somebody who reads this for that feedback.
-just my 2.5 cents
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